Parenting: Motherhood and career?

When you can make it work well for you and your family, then by all means go for it! I know it can work out really well for some people. Some women have very supportive husbands or other family members and it just works very well.

This post is not for you. This post is for those women who feel pressured to go back into the work force for a variety of reasons. Some because of pressure of society. Some because of pressure of family.

The last few months I have heard quite a few women being quite upset because of the pressure put on them to go, as soon as possible, back to work and some get the pressure to go back to work full-time. Those who talked about it couldn't handle it. The pressure was too high. The stress was too high. The total workload was too high.

Taking care of a baby or young child isn't peanuts. It's time consuming and it requires a major adjustment, as life before and after kids is very, very different. This adjustment is huge with every new baby.  I think maternity leave is way too short. It's not just the physical recovery. It's also the adjustment to the new role, the nighttime care for the child and such. It's a major change.

What worries me is the disrespect towards women who do not feel up to being super woman. The way they are frowned upon and disrespected. It's quite a chance from when my mother got married in the 1963. She got laid off, because that is what happened. A woman who got married had a husband, and soon family, to take care of so she got fired. I certainly don't want to go back to that as it should be a choice and not forced down someone's throat whether or not to keep working. But back then taking care of house and family was valued. These days it's frowned upon and that really bothers me.

I recently spoke to a friend. Her baby is 4 months old. Her maternity leave is 6 months. She feels judged for taking the 6 months. It used to be 3 months and if she would want to go back earlier she could. She's been feeling a lot of pressure to go back after the 3 months were over, just like all her colleagues previously did. She was called a leach of society. Luckily her husband is supporting her in her choice and if it's not going to work out at her work she has the possibility to leave her current job and go look for another, more suitable one, or stay home for a while longer, whatever works.

Then recently a friend ended up being pressured by her husband to get a different job, as the one she currently has she is overqualified for and is only part time. She is the one taking care of their child, doing the household, the shopping and the cooking. He was terribly disrespectful to her. But the fact that she has a masters degree doesn't necessarily make her a career woman who is in dire need to go back into the rat race. This friend actually enjoys her work, which is 5 days a week, 7 hours a day. So it's not like she's not doing anything. She just doesn't want her child at a child minders for very long days and loves being with him. Her husband was raised in a family where both parents always worked full-time, so that's all he knows. And that's what he expects. But his wife was taken care of by her mum as her mum didn't work full-time and remembers it fondly and wants that for her child. Her husband is of the opinion it's a waste of her education. He seems to forget that a child is not forever. It's such a short time that they are small and it's crucial to not mess up that time as you'll never get it back, besides that it can cause lasting problem if they don't get a good trusting attachment to their main caregivers. This is actually what I think might be the issue for her husband. Mind you, I don't know him, so this is speculation, but I've seen it frequently. Chances are that he doesn't have a safe attachment to his parents due to having been taken care of by ever changing strangers in child care, while his parents were working. My friend ended up with another job and ended up working full-time soon after she told me about it. The pressure was too high. She was crying as she was telling me how she had no choice as he husband put an awful amount of pressure on her. Their child will be in a day care centre. I feel for her. After a while she was trying to convince herself that this was better. But I wonder how this will go in the long run. She was pretty clear about not having another child when it has to go this way as this is not what she has imagined it to be.

Parenting: Punishment..... or consequences?

Well...... neither really, if you value the trusting and loving relationship with your children.

These days people tend to go for the idea of not wanting to punish their child as that has gotten a bad reputation. So now we use "consequences", but is there really a difference? No, it is still an arbitrary action by a parent put onto a child for not showing the correct behaviour. Does it teach the child anything? No, at least nothing you want them to learn from it, they'll learn to make sure they're not caught next time and that they're aren't worthy of being respected in a way that adults usually do amongst each other. They'll get angry with you, they might even want revenge. So in all it's  a loose-loose situation. It doesn't bring the desired learning effect.

So why do people do it? Well, I guess a lot of people don't know what else to do.  Many have probably read articles in which it is described in a lot of elaborate words how different, ans bad, punishments are in comparison to consequences. But really it's just another word for effectively the same thing. It just sounds less harsh and nasty.  So it's effectively a euphemism for punishment.

You want your child to learn why certain behaviour isn't wanted. And with that you want behaviour to change. It's possible, but keep in mind that you cannot change a person or their character, you wouldn't want anyone to try to change you. So you can only teach and give them the right example. 

Teaching works quite well through talking and good example.

For example: if you want your child to tidy up after themselves; you'll have to do this yourself as well ALL THE TIME. Don't hold your children to higher standards than yourself.
Also don't be a hypocrite. Don't expect that your children will willingly not watch TV, but then do it yourself. Or don't expect them to not play games, but you're stuck on your game boy or telephone for hours on end.
It doesn't work that way. You are your child's world. Anything you do or say is right in their eyes, they look up to you.

Unfortunately punishments are based on the behaviourism school of psychology. But humans aren't pigeons. We are complex beings with complex minds. So that whole school of thought can simply be put in the bin.  Unfortunately it's the system used in schools and most work places. Gold stars and grades in schools. Bonuses at work. It just doesn't create the intrinsic motivation which is to be nurtured. It creates a pressure to do something. It kills motivation and joy in the task. 

There are more problems with punishment or consequences, whichever way you want to call it. Think about how you would feel if the person you love would arbitrarily decide that because you made a mistake it's right to punish you for that. I'm sure that wouldn't go down well. It's completely ridiculous for one partner in a relationship to punish the other for a mistake or wrong behaviour or wrong choices or such. They talk about it, maybe have an argument about it.  But I think it's safe to say that the one doesn't just punish the other, against which the other can't do anything but suck it up. I'm sure the relationship wouldn't last long as it's considered abusive behaviour. But why is that same behaviour fine towards children. I have no clue. 

It also messes up the relationship, but a child is stuck, they can't go anywhere. And the younger the child is the worse the effects. When a child is very young it will start thinking that they must be very bad, to deserve the people who are the ones that are supposed to love the child unconditionally, to be treated by them in such anawful way.  They will know they are awful and unworthy people. 

When a child get older they may not internalise is so much, but it still ruins the trust between child and parent. I have frequently heard parents complain that for some odd reason their child developed distrust to them. And on topof that those parents then want the child to help mend the relationship and frequently even blame the child to a certain extent for the problems for not having been obedient enough. The twist in thinking never stop to amaze me. I don't understand why people seem to think they can do anything to a child that an adult wouldn't accept and that child is still going to be trusting and loving. They really need a reality check. Children are just smaller and more vulnerable and sensitive people.  So you have to actually be more careful with your actions than with seasoned adults. But most of the time, it's the exact opposite way that children get treated. Mind-boggling!

The case of Q

I want to share a case story of a fiend with you.  I've been given permission to share the story of Q. The parents of Q are firm believers in punishment, for any little detail. So for walking on the toes as a toddler Q would be punished. The expectations of the parents of Q were very high so the fact that Q started walking on the toes has a psychological issue behind it, which was then punished. But this wasn't the only thing. Any minor misstep would result in punishment. At somepoint the parents were of the opinion that something was wrong with Q as Q started behaving worse and worse.  So they took Q in to get diagnosed. The diagnosis was ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Since I heard of this diagnosis it's been bugging me.  So I've been reading up on it  bit and frankly, the more I read, the more it disturbed me.  This is a diagnosis for non-obedient children, usually those children have been subject to high pressure or a high frequency of being punished for unimportant things,  in essence a form of abuse. So a child whose been subjected to the milder forms of abuse gets labeled, but the parents come out clean. That's twisted in my head.  

In the case of Q it didn't fully go that way, as family members regularly reported the family to Social Services for child abuse. Unfortunately it was just not bad enough for them to be able to do anything, but they did keep in contact with the family, though it didn't help Q in any way at that point. 

Eventually Q became a young teenager and decided to move. Q didn't want to live with the parents anymore, so Q moved in with an uncle. The uncle was a loving and caring person. So the uncle guided Q with loving care. As Q grew older counseling was discussed as Q bore quite some scars and had some wide open wounds from the parenting style the  parents had used. After a few sessions Q started feeling better and more trusting of the world. These days Q is a lovely and caring person, because Q was lucky to have the uncle and Social Services support the choices of Q.

Alfie Kohn has written quite a few books on the why's, what's and how's with regards to this topic. Several of his books I've read. "Unconditional parenting" and "Punished by rewards" are 2 outstanding books. Very well referenced and very well written. They are truly worth every minute you take to read them.

Alfie Kohn also has a website on which you can read many articles on various parenting and non-parenting topics. Here is the link: Alfie Kohn

My parents do not agree with the way I parent. What now?

When parents choose a different way of parenting than their parents did, this can cause some friction in some families.
This happens somewhat more frequently when parents choose to use Attachment Parenting (AP) or The Continuum Concept (TCC) styles of parenting, while they had been raised in a more mainstream style.
The choice to parenting AP/TCC is always made very consciously. Parents want the best for their children.

In the time that our parents were parenting us, there was a whole lot less information available than there is now. Not a lot more than the books of Dr. Spock and such. So our parents were usually counselled by Health Visitors, GP's and their own parents. Those people usually only knew the mainstream way of parenting and not really any other way. It's what everyone did.
Some parents didn't feel right about it and did some things differently. This could lead to being judged by their peers. Those are usually the most understanding parents to your parenting choices, simply as they have been through it as well.

These days there are more people making different choices than there were back then, as there is so much more information at our fingertips. There are websites and many more books by a variety of experts. Many of them give very good information. Some have done research and have written about that. It is quite doable to find studies about all kinds of psychological issues, parenting, education and such.

Depending on the relationship you have with your parents, it could be possible that you could explain to them why you choose the path of AP/TCC. You could explain to them that the newest research has shown that these practises are much better for growing children and will let them grow up to be the stable and caring adults you want them to be.
Some people can say something like the following to their parents and things go smoothly from there:
I've become the person I am because you were my parents and raised me to be a caring and thinking person, because of this I can make these choices, I am grateful to you to have made this possible to me, so that I can raise my child this way.

I myself have not had to explain much. My mum wasn't really bothered. However, my in-laws have asked quite a few questions. I have been lucky that they have always been interested in my reasons. They weren't judging.

When it fails to explain it or have at least a civilised dialogue about it, than there is no need to keep trying. Respect has to come from both sides.
Do remember this is your child and you are raising it to the best of your ability. There is no need to justify it to anyone really. Of course you can always explain your reasons, but when those are simply wiped off the table as irrelevant then there is no need to continue to try. In time these things tend to settle and people get more curious. Once that time has arrived you can give it another try. Until then agree to disagree. Maybe that is the only way it will ever be.

Often the reason for being judgmental is that some people feel it is an attack on their own parenting style, because you choose to go a different path. Unfortunately some people cannot see that the way they raised their children resulted in the caring thinking people who want to do the best for their own child, therefore it could also be seen as a compliment in stead of an attack. In some cases it is possible to explain it as such.

Of course there is also the possibility that you came to the conclusion of wanting to parent in the AP/TCC style because you had such a difficult childhood. In that case it may simply be best to let things be. Maybe it is even best to keep a distance for a while or in some cases even permanently.

In the end it's your child, therefore your rules go.